Thirty-Nine

 I turned thirty-nine in April this year. 

Growing up I never had a real plan or vision of what my life would look like in the future.

The future is here.

I had no idea I would abandon my childhood dream of being a professional artist in my thirties. 

I had no idea I would ever leave NYC.

I had no idea I would end up working remotely in the healthcare industry and making a decent salary.

I knew I would get married, I just didn't know it would be so late in life. For some reason I thought I would've gotten married at age 27, which seemed really old when I was a teenager. It makes me laugh thinking about how unprepared I was at that age for anything.

I had no idea that I would join a rowing league for recreation.

I had no idea that I would learn to play tennis.

I had no idea that I would learn to box. I didn't think I'd ever be in a fight - controlled or not - but, I did it. 

Now I have a new set of unknowns to think about:

When will my parents die?

How will they die?

When and how will any of my family members die?

How will I die?

Am I emotional strong enough to handle that level of grief?

Will my marriage last as long as I live? I hope so. 

Will I have children? How many?

If my wife cannot have children, will we adopt? Will we abandon the prospect of having children all together? 

Will I develop a chronic disease? If I do, how will I handle that?

Will I have enough saved up for retirement? According to financial projections, I should have enough, but what if external forces changes things?

Will I stay within the healthcare field indefinitely?

How much money will I be making by age 50? Can I make a million dollars before age 60?

What current beliefs do I hold inside require serious examination?

What kind of man will I be in old age?

Am I making the right career decisions or am I holding myself back? Should I be aiming for more?

If I die, what will happen to all my stuff? Note to self: create a will and testament.

Will I ever get over my past regrets? Can I learn to accept my past and look back with compassion or will I forever "cringe" at myself?

With the limited number of years left in life - roughly 31 to 51 years left what do I NEED to do?

I have never formally kept a bucket list, but maybe I should create one and complete something off that list each year.

I don't know where we go from here yet, but a plan is needed to continue.